Where to begin.

This has been such a jumbled time of my life, and I have no doubts this blog will follow suit. I've been told time and time again writing helps sort your thoughts and get stuff off your chest, yet I never find myself writing. I also have terrible penmanship, so this approach will better help me understand previous entries, should I want to reflect. Might as well start. I am Jordan and am in the midst of four years of probation.

Like many, I don't find myself to be good at much, but as my record shows, I sure have a knack for getting caught drunk driving. After one sentencing, and ten months of probation, one might think I would have learned my lesson. Nope. Here I am, less than a year later with two more under my belt. All three will be discussed at a later date. 

I finally chose to start this now after realizing today marks my seventh month of being sober. Ever since i started drinking, I never had this sort of clean time.  Hell, I never wanted to. Drinking quickly turned from being "fun" to all I could look forward to. It wasn't until i could not have it that I truly appreciated the power of alcohol. How simple to drink a few glasses of liquid and have all your problems disappear. (Funny how it truly amplifies and creates more.)  I miss it, more than I've ever missed anything and it scares the shit out of me. Yea I had fun when I drank. Became more social, could easily relax, but that's not what I miss. I miss the ease of slipping out of reality. 

Last month started my realization of my drinking habit. I always thought that with six months of sobriety everything would be different. The clouds would part, And everything would be nothing but beautifully bathed in sunlight.  It was no different. Day 180 was no different than 100 which was no different than 50. This has simply become life. I'm growing up and have to deal with life, And everything that comes with, negative and positive. But part of me just fights, continues to fight, itching to get back to how i used to be. And lord knows why. I was by no means in any great position. But shit, after a drink i couldn't care less. Who needs to grow and change, when it can all be halted and hazed over. 

I'm currently 5 months into a 2 year sentence. I am thankful I will be forced into sobriety for this length. Hoping one day it will finally click for me. I've been able to understand what I did wrong, And where i was hurting myself and others, yet it'll be even easier to slip right back to it. 

This is becoming a bit rambled, as predicted. I have hopes by writing this i can help myself stay positive and track my growth and change. shit, perhaps it can help someone too.