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Been a shit week.

My mind has been all over the place, and nothing I do can settle it.  I feel so complacent, and I don't know if it's from not being used to it, or just not what I want, but it is driving me crazy.

I just can't get myself past the fact that this will all be better, I'll look back and be happy I did it, but for the time being I hate it.  I hate everything.  I hate everyone.  I hate myself above all.

I hate that I got myself into such a shit situation.  I hate that I have the issues that I have that has led to this.  I hate my feelings of complete lack of self worth.  I hate having to rely on people to get around, and to get shit done.

I feel so fucking selfish.  Doing a complete clean sweep of my life, yet I'm not completely convinced it's what I want.  I'm making decisions that I don't like and or agree with, but have been able to push through.  At least so far.

Not being able to just say fuck it and grab a bottle, or smoke a joint, kind of helps me persist.



Darkest before dawn.

Crazy

This month is kicking my ass. Impending summer is going to kick my ass. I'm getting another job. Just going to work. Avoid people. Avoid feelings. Get money.

Loving life.

Weeks end.

Been a long ass week. Lost my bus pass along with an AA attendance sheet. Definitely times to accept loss and move on. Currently on my way to make up meetings. Some days it completely kills me to have to take the bus. I miss the freedom of driving. Leaving when I want. Going wherever I want. In due time I'll have it back. In due time I'll have all my freedoms back.

If nothing, probation has finally helped me learn to appreciate what I have. I do always want more, I love my instant gratification, but I gave that all up on my own accord. Stupid decisions led me to where I am, and will help make better ones in the future.

Moods flip and flop though. I'll feel wave of emotions that never materialize.  I'll feel like crying, yet no tears come.  I either smile or am angry. The anger has unfortunately been getting a hold lately which I need to work on. Stress just breaks me down and drags out time.

I live on the silver lining.

Atypical Day.

With yet another day in court looming around the corner, a large portion of my day was spent at the local Alano club. Granted its nice there's a spot I know there's always meetings, spending about five hours there is hardly how I want to spend my day. Its been a few weeks since I have been to AA, so in order to be good with court, a bit of marathoning is in order.

I hate that I do this to myself. Sitting through too many meetings in a day is very draining. As if I don't think about drugs and alcohol enough as it is, it can truly beat your spirits to a pulp continuously having to hear from others, and share about yourself. Its days like this I usually get the wrong message. The mention of relapse is so much easier to relate to, and gives me that glimmer for the end of the road. I know its so far away though, and using should be the last thing on my mind, but I miss it.

Without these vices I've unfortunately turned more to sex. Moreso leading people on. I crave attention, I love getting want I want, I love sex. I need some sort of release, and yet need to keep people at bay. Best way to do so is not let anyone close. Have a few people on stand by so that I keep busy nd don't have to think about how I'm treating people or what I'm doing to myself. Sure there are days I realize I can be a total piece of shit. These feelings don't last long though. Or if they do, I quickly change my tune when I can't stand to be with myself for more than 15 minutes.

I've had an on and off relationship with my ex that has lasted nearly two years now. When I started talking to him again in the fall in the midst of me talking to other people, I filled him in. I'm in no position to be in a relationship, nor do I want one. But being with him just juts me back to how we were, in a relationship. Its a constant roller coaster of what I want. And I who I want in my life. And what I want from the who's I want. Somedays I truly wish to just be left alone. Just have me myself and I, but at the end of the day I need attention.

Day in. Day out. Same shit different day. I need some sort of change and I know it starts with me. The starting point just always seems so unattainable for me.

The Arrests. #1

New years day, 2012. After a rousing night of smashing nearly a fifth to myself, I wake to my house mate telling me my car window was down. Last thing I remembered was a friend of mine coming by after a party, and he was no where to be seen. Why my window was down was beyond me.  I gave her my keys to roll up my window of which she locked in her flat when she left for the day. If only those keys stayed in her flat...

After being up less than half an hour, the bit of tequila that was left had to go. And what better way to rid myself of it than to finish it off. A nice few midday cocktails to start the year off right. Before the last drink was finished, I had already worked on obtaining my keys to replenish my stash. My housemate had a relative stop by so I could get my keys, had a friend set to get me more booze, the day was only looking better and better. After throwing on a coat I made my way out the door.

Completely careless and ready to drink I decided it would be a good idea to jam my radio and fly down the freeway. As I was approaching the entrance to another, l see the flashing lights. Not one set, but two. I immediately knew I was fucked. No way of getting out of this situation. The cops were pleasant with me, blew a 0.15, and proceeded to ring in the rest of my new year in jail.

Never, never, never did I think I would ever wind up in a jail cell. Shit, even at that point I thought it would be the last. I tried getting ahold of everyone I knew, except my mother, yet everyone was out doing exactly what I had hoped I would be doing. Needless to say, my mother eventually came and had to bail me out of jail. First, and last time. Thus began the start of the glorious road I am on. After six months of dealing with pre trial after pre trial. Beginning counseling, and AA, I was on the road to my first ten months of probation. Those ten months have easily proven to be the longest ten months of my life.

Where to begin.

This has been such a jumbled time of my life, and I have no doubts this blog will follow suit. I've been told time and time again writing helps sort your thoughts and get stuff off your chest, yet I never find myself writing. I also have terrible penmanship, so this approach will better help me understand previous entries, should I want to reflect. Might as well start. I am Jordan and am in the midst of four years of probation.

Like many, I don't find myself to be good at much, but as my record shows, I sure have a knack for getting caught drunk driving. After one sentencing, and ten months of probation, one might think I would have learned my lesson. Nope. Here I am, less than a year later with two more under my belt. All three will be discussed at a later date. 

I finally chose to start this now after realizing today marks my seventh month of being sober. Ever since i started drinking, I never had this sort of clean time.  Hell, I never wanted to. Drinking quickly turned from being "fun" to all I could look forward to. It wasn't until i could not have it that I truly appreciated the power of alcohol. How simple to drink a few glasses of liquid and have all your problems disappear. (Funny how it truly amplifies and creates more.)  I miss it, more than I've ever missed anything and it scares the shit out of me. Yea I had fun when I drank. Became more social, could easily relax, but that's not what I miss. I miss the ease of slipping out of reality. 

Last month started my realization of my drinking habit. I always thought that with six months of sobriety everything would be different. The clouds would part, And everything would be nothing but beautifully bathed in sunlight.  It was no different. Day 180 was no different than 100 which was no different than 50. This has simply become life. I'm growing up and have to deal with life, And everything that comes with, negative and positive. But part of me just fights, continues to fight, itching to get back to how i used to be. And lord knows why. I was by no means in any great position. But shit, after a drink i couldn't care less. Who needs to grow and change, when it can all be halted and hazed over. 

I'm currently 5 months into a 2 year sentence. I am thankful I will be forced into sobriety for this length. Hoping one day it will finally click for me. I've been able to understand what I did wrong, And where i was hurting myself and others, yet it'll be even easier to slip right back to it. 

This is becoming a bit rambled, as predicted. I have hopes by writing this i can help myself stay positive and track my growth and change. shit, perhaps it can help someone too.