Atypical Day.

With yet another day in court looming around the corner, a large portion of my day was spent at the local Alano club. Granted its nice there's a spot I know there's always meetings, spending about five hours there is hardly how I want to spend my day. Its been a few weeks since I have been to AA, so in order to be good with court, a bit of marathoning is in order.

I hate that I do this to myself. Sitting through too many meetings in a day is very draining. As if I don't think about drugs and alcohol enough as it is, it can truly beat your spirits to a pulp continuously having to hear from others, and share about yourself. Its days like this I usually get the wrong message. The mention of relapse is so much easier to relate to, and gives me that glimmer for the end of the road. I know its so far away though, and using should be the last thing on my mind, but I miss it.

Without these vices I've unfortunately turned more to sex. Moreso leading people on. I crave attention, I love getting want I want, I love sex. I need some sort of release, and yet need to keep people at bay. Best way to do so is not let anyone close. Have a few people on stand by so that I keep busy nd don't have to think about how I'm treating people or what I'm doing to myself. Sure there are days I realize I can be a total piece of shit. These feelings don't last long though. Or if they do, I quickly change my tune when I can't stand to be with myself for more than 15 minutes.

I've had an on and off relationship with my ex that has lasted nearly two years now. When I started talking to him again in the fall in the midst of me talking to other people, I filled him in. I'm in no position to be in a relationship, nor do I want one. But being with him just juts me back to how we were, in a relationship. Its a constant roller coaster of what I want. And I who I want in my life. And what I want from the who's I want. Somedays I truly wish to just be left alone. Just have me myself and I, but at the end of the day I need attention.

Day in. Day out. Same shit different day. I need some sort of change and I know it starts with me. The starting point just always seems so unattainable for me.